Heaven, I’m in Heaven…

Lots og things happened since my last post, the result being I’m now spending fantastic holidays in beautiful Cumbria, thanks to the wonderful friends who invited me. It seems that Enland has everzthing that I need, and it will be really hard to come back, although I’ll be more than happy to see my two cats again. I miss them very much and feel guilty about them.

I wish I hadn’t waited to be in big troubles to allow me some holidays. Even if you don’t have money, there’s always a way. It’s no good to wait forever to be in better financial situation, because such a day could as well never come. What I’ve learned is whatever you want to do, find a way to do it now, because life is to short for regrets. You can always find good reasons not to do what you would like to do, but it won’t comfort you when you’ll be looking back, asking to yourself “what have I done with my life?” and finding the answer is “nothing”. There are so much horrible things in this world, so many things to worry about, that all we can do is to live our lives as best as we can and try to make ourselves and the ones we love happy and respect other people as well as the planet we live on. And being happy is not dreaming of all we could possibly do in the future, but trying all we can to be happy here and now.

Life is a bitch but I can’t help loving it

It’s over with my neighbour. I’m relieved but incredibly sad. I still can’t figure out how I fell in love with him but I did. And as mysterious as it can be I think I will still love him for a long time… Despite some obvious problems (his conceptions about love and trust for example, not mentionning his takes on homosexuality and sexy girls being responsible for what happens to them, that is to say rape) he’s a nice guy deep (ok very deep) inside. I see him like a good soul trapped by his education and beliefs. I even pity him, because he’ ll never be truly happy because of that. I also realize how lucky I am to be an open-minded person who constantly questions herself and the world around. Despite all the turmoil there will always be a serene part inside me thanks to that, because I’m able to understand other human beings and I feel free to be myself. I know this might sound conceited but I don’t care.

I’m also tremendously lucky to have wonderful friends who support me whatever happens: Dragonlady, Graeme&Jools, Vinsy, Cyanure, G., thank you so much for everything. I’m here for you too if you need it, I hope I’ll be able to give back the support I got. I often think about what it is to be a good friend and I feel a bit guilty, being so often the one who needs help. I’m tired of this, I want to feel good so I can be really there for my friends too, and show them how much I care.

But for now, I’ll just weep until my body becomes an old dried-up bag of bones.

Therapy doesn’t work after all

My life has been a pure mess for weeks about two months now, I’m exhausted just at the thought of writing about it. I’ve no idea how to get out of all this before it’s too late. I’m confused to the utmost degree and I feel hopelessly desperate because I know for sure now that I can’t trust myself anymore.

After years of working things out in therapy this is the result? I can’t believe it. I know myself better than ever (or so I thought), I understand the “why’s” and” how’s” in my life and still I’m falling consciously into this oh so obvious trap? Why? Why me, why now that I was finally on the road to happiness and independence? Do I have a problem with self-accomplishment or what? Did I think happiness and freedom would be too much to bear for a tortured mind like mine?

I’m at a loss for words and thoughts about this ridiculous situation really, I never thought such a thing would, could happen to me, being so conscious about the men/women, abusive/controlling partners etc. issues. I know the process by heart, but I’m watching myself engage into it and all I do is think “how interesting, so it’s happening after all, now I know how it’s really like”.

Am I mad or what? Please someone send me the ambulance, I’m beside myself. Nothing serious has happened so far but I know pretty well that the longer this relationship will last, the more harmful it will become to me and the harder it will be to find a way out.

I know everything. Right from the start. I predicted every detail of what he said and did. I know exactly where I go but still can’t help going. Did life hurt me so much that after all this hard work I deliberately sabotage myself?

P.S. On top of that I must leave my school. Having been several times on medical leave I didn’t have enough grades to be allowed to do the semi-annual exams. So now I have to present myself as a free candidate to the French bac (A-level) somewhere in France next year. It’s a rather good thing after all, had I known this possibility sooner I wouldn’t have wasted three years of my life (and what years, I want to cry just at the thought of it)… And well even if there’s a good solution for me it still tastes like a failure to me, I was so sure I was going to make it till the end. But I was sent too much obstacles after all.

Enjoying life

I’ve got a strange feeling these days, something that seems either new or so ancient (I’m using the word on purpose) that I can recall it only faintly if recalling it at all. Everything is normal and then suddenly I think to myself “I’m very happy right now”, or “I feel so good, I love the little breeze, the sun half-hidden behind a cloud, the blue mountains in the distance, the scent in the air or any tiny detail like a dog rummaging in a field to catch some poor fieldmouse, a crow’s nest on top of a tree etc. I already enjoyed these moments before, but only now can I enjoy them fully because I’ve started only recently to be at peace with myself. It changes everything, and makes me enjoy everything a thousand times more. I can feel my body relaxed, no longer cut from my soul. I’m whole and it feels incredibly good.

To match the mood of my thoughts, here’s a photo of my favourite group of trees. I see them everyday from the train, and it always makes me happy. I love seeing them change from a season to another. The poor quality picture doesn’t do them justice though.

Night cough and WIP for my maturity work

I still can’t sleep because of my heavy cough, I’ve tried everything but the only thing that worked so far is grog, and as I seldom drink alcohol the side-effects are pretty strong (I was forced to drink one - the only one so far - before attending class tonight coz’ my cough wouldn’t stop and was so strong that I couldn’t do anything and I would have disturbed my fellow students a great deal. I was slightly drunk as a result, luckily for me it did n0t last).  So as you can see, I can’t have another one now. So instead of going round in circles in my room or staring at the ceiling, waiting hopelessly for my cough to stop, I’m taking advantage of my insomnia and am working on my maturiy work. A good thing, since we have a working session with our supervising teacher tomorrow night.

I’m still experimenting with my wacom tablet, and I must say I don’t have a clue on how to proceed so I just improvised and see how it goes. I still don’t know if my finished work will be digital work or if I’ll use digital pics as drafts to re-paint/draw them later with traditional medias.

Please be indulgent, as I said it’s only a draft. If you have some advice I’ll happily take them though. If you can’t see what it is: it’s a night class taking place in a clearing. The teacher is an owl, and the students will probably be goblins of some sorts. I might add a character on the edge of the clearing, lamenting coz’ as a non-student, he finds himself all alone. By the way, the theme of my work is “studying at night/in the evening” (don’t know how you say it in English).

Speak, friend, and enter

This is the entrance to my new flat. Done with my Wacom tablet and ArtRage. I might use it for my moving cards… It’s ugly but it was fun to do! I love experimenting.

Feelin’ Nerdy (Yeah)

Another doodle for Vinsy’s contest

The wind is rising

Today I paid my rent in advance for March and made what was necessary for the security deposit, so whatever happens, on march 15th I’m the happy tenant of my new flat, hurray!

Mullets everywhere!

Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome Nursus McMulletson, another candidate to Vinsy’s drawing contest. My first real attempt with my Wacom and ArtRage

Mullet Power

This is what I drew for Vinsy’s dessin fighter.