First steps

Now that everything is ready, I don’t know how to start.

I chose to write in English even though it isn’t my native language. I’m very far from mastering it, but words in French just seem useless to me. For me, English is the language of the heart and I love its musicality. I began to read in English because I wasn’t satisfied with the French translation of a book I was reading (The Liveship Traders series by Robin Hobb). At first it was a bit difficult, I had always my nose in the dictionary, but with time it became easier and easier. Sometimes I can’t help reading aloud, it seems so natural to do it.

I hope writing this blog in English will help me to improve my grammar and vocabulary.

What more could I say… I’m going through tough times right now. My husband told me some months ago that he didn’t love me anymore, which was the most terrible shock I’ve ever had (and believe me I had several). I still can’t believe it, how can he throw everything away so easily, without even trying to save something. Despite the worries we had to face, our relationship has always been fantastic. There was so much love, complicity, tenderness and understanding, I know a lot of people will never know such a happiness. Everything wasn’t perfect of course, because life isn’t. I had to cope with very hard thing in my life and of course it has left many traces. I’m always struggling to have a kind of “normal” life, I must do twice more efforts than other people to accomplish rather common things. But on the other hand thanks to the hard times I gained some experience and learned a lot about human nature. I’m able to take a wider view of things, and instead of keeping all to myself I always try to solve problems. That’s a quality that normally helps in a couple, but it seems it wasn’t enough. I’m so gutted after all the effort I’ve made to try to be a better person and improve both my life and our couple’s life. Now I have the feeling that despite us going along so well he wasn’t involved as I was. I could never have decided to end our relationship like he did. I would have tried all I could not to let it go. But he just waited until it was too late. I know he has difficulties to know his feelings, but I’m sure he felt things weren’t all right for him long before getting to the point of not loving me anymore. He could have done something before telling me one day “I’ve something to tell you but don’t worry, it’s nothing serious. I think I don’t love you anymore”. It was so sudden, brutal, I thought I would die on the spot. I felt my hart couldn’t bear it and I was right, some weeks later my doctor diagnosed PVC (premature ventricular contraction). Which I really didn’t need, since I had had health problems since October (2006). Nothing serious but very annoying (muscular pains among other things). I’ve never cried so much in my life, it was a nightmare, I had had no reason at all to anticipate such a thing. Then during the summer I began to feel better, mainly because I had the chance to do very interesting things on my own. But now it’s getting hard again: I’m back to school (evening courses to get the equivalent of A-Levels) and am still living with my future ex-husband. We still get along very well, but the situation becomes more and more uncomfortable. And these days, I feel my heart break almost everytime I look at him. I still can’t believe it happened. Of course we needed to organize our life a bit differently, but this could have easily been done and doesn’t justifies what happened. I’ve been strong until some days ago but now I just can’t stand it anymore, it really causes me too much pain. I’ve no idea how I can manage to get over it. I must find a way, but it’s so hard. I feel exhausted and sick, I’m good for nothing and can’t even go to school or study at home. I’m lost and lonely, me the girl who’s always liked to be alone. I can’t count on my dysfunctional family (I chose to ban them from my life years ago to keep me safe), I’m completely shattered.

Why, why did it happened and why wasn’t it temporary, I don’t understand. Just when I was thinking that finally my life was taking the good direction. I was happy despite the difficulties. I loved him, but not blindly. It was (and still is) a very deep feeling, but also a choice. I knew he was really the person I wanted to grow old with. I felt it so deeply, and now I’m devastated to learn that he didn’t feel that way. I mean if he had felt it even for a second, he couldn’t have dumped me like that without trying to save something. Our relationship was so precious to me, I could have done anything to save it, or at least try. This doesn’t mean it would have worked, but at least he, we would have tried, that’s what counts for me. You can’t live with someone for years without major problems and decide it’s over just like that. That’s just not possible. I will never understand. Now my problem is: what can I do to stop loving him? I’ve really no idea, and it hurts so much.