My life has been a pure mess for weeks about two months now, I’m exhausted just at the thought of writing about it. I’ve no idea how to get out of all this before it’s too late. I’m confused to the utmost degree and I feel hopelessly desperate because I know for sure now that I can’t trust myself anymore.
After years of working things out in therapy this is the result? I can’t believe it. I know myself better than ever (or so I thought), I understand the “why’s” and” how’s” in my life and still I’m falling consciously into this oh so obvious trap? Why? Why me, why now that I was finally on the road to happiness and independence? Do I have a problem with self-accomplishment or what? Did I think happiness and freedom would be too much to bear for a tortured mind like mine?
I’m at a loss for words and thoughts about this ridiculous situation really, I never thought such a thing would, could happen to me, being so conscious about the men/women, abusive/controlling partners etc. issues. I know the process by heart, but I’m watching myself engage into it and all I do is think “how interesting, so it’s happening after all, now I know how it’s really like”.
Am I mad or what? Please someone send me the ambulance, I’m beside myself. Nothing serious has happened so far but I know pretty well that the longer this relationship will last, the more harmful it will become to me and the harder it will be to find a way out.
I know everything. Right from the start. I predicted every detail of what he said and did. I know exactly where I go but still can’t help going. Did life hurt me so much that after all this hard work I deliberately sabotage myself?
P.S. On top of that I must leave my school. Having been several times on medical leave I didn’t have enough grades to be allowed to do the semi-annual exams. So now I have to present myself as a free candidate to the French bac (A-level) somewhere in France next year. It’s a rather good thing after all, had I known this possibility sooner I wouldn’t have wasted three years of my life (and what years, I want to cry just at the thought of it)… And well even if there’s a good solution for me it still tastes like a failure to me, I was so sure I was going to make it till the end. But I was sent too much obstacles after all.
…
I wish I knew what to do. On one side I see that you are much happier than when you arrived here. But I also see how this is weighing on you.
I wish I could be a good friend and help. I know I can’t tell you to dump that guy, or anything, it’s your choice. But I can listen. You know I am here anytime don’t you?
Be strong my dear and do what you know you must for your own sanity. If you do this thing then you will prove to yourself that you are strong, just as we know you are deep down.
Is there any way you can get to our house? you are welcome to stay as long as you wish, all we ask is you do the dishes because we hate doing that
I’m trying to make you smile but I just don’t know how, as Dragonlady says I’m here to listen but from this distance there’s not much else I can do.
I could of course send Graeme and the ‘boys’ around to help.
(((((BIG HUGS)))))
Hey Treewoman! You know we are all thinking of you, sometimes when things are going well a little setback can knock us for six – you know you’ll come out of it stronger in the end. As Dragonlady says you have plenty of people ready to listen if needs be; and if all else fails hop on a plane as Jools suggests and come for a visit for a while
Take care!
[i]I’m watching myself engage into it and all I do is think “how interesting, so it’s happening after all, now I know how it’s really like”.[/i]
Maybe this is actually progress, but you just don’t recognize it as such? In my experience, these changes take a lot of time, practice, support, and repetition. So, while you may be repeating an old pattern, you’re at least fully aware of what’s happening, while it’s happening. Which is pretty dang cool! As well as being frustrating and maddening. But next time – next time maybe you’ll see the pattern even sooner, and will be able to make different choices, because now you’re more aware and are sick of the pattern.
Have you ever heard the ‘hole in the sidewalk’ metaphor for emotional growth? Sorry it’s kind of long, but I’ll just cut and paste it here:
THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
Even though I don’t know you, I feel as though I do.
I’ve been to therapy for years, and they never told me anything I didnt already know.
I wish I had the right words to give you.
If anything, you are an exquisite writer, and I envy you going to France (albeit its beautiful).
I don’t know you, but I do know that the world needs more people like you. You are good with words, and probably smarter than 95% of the people I see on a daily basis.
Good things will come.
Expecially to people like you.
When you least expect it.